Monday, August 9, 2010

My Mother!!!

It has been a very long month or so without speaking to my mom. She is not the smartest person when it comes to men. Her and I have always had a difference in opinion for men for as long as I can remember. I can't even keep track of her old bf's anymore. She was with my brothers dad for about 13 years and since they split my freshman year she has went down hill from that point on. She married a man, Jeff, after a month of knowing him and that lasted about two weeks. She dated Kurt who ended up being an alcoholic and kind of weird who ended up committing suicide a while ago. Rest in peace Kurt. A few years ago she met Jim. He turned out to be another alcoholic. They fought and broke up all the time and yet she still decided to marry him. That marriage lasted a year. I'm pretty sure she decided to cheat on him. They are still split up. She has been married 4 times and is well on her way to her 4th divorce.

Ever since I was little I had always threatened to move in with my dad. And that would have always been the absolute last resort because I didn't get along with my dad until I had my children. He has made a lot of mistakes in his past as well and used to have a drinking problem himself. Long story short with him, we didn't talk for years until I got married and was pregnant with Courtney. I decided to try and to forgive because I want my children to have their grandparents. My mother has never cared on how I felt with her and her choice of men. Still today she shows me how little she cares.

Last month my aunt and uncle had a cook out. We weren't planning on going but we did and it was possibly one of the worst days of my life. I knew as soon as  I seen her that I was done with her non sense drama. I hate the choices she makes. She has to know the consequences of dating one alcoholic after another and/or a druggie! We get there and she is seeing a new guy. She used to date him before when I was younger. I didn't remember who he was when he came up to me. When I found out he was Rick Laws, I was devastated. I remember him from when I was younger. He wasn't a good guy back then. I remember being scared of him. Why would I want that type of person for my mother?

Yet again, she decided to date another unemployed alcoholic. She has always dated people like this ever since her and Duane. My step dad Duane surely wasn't a perfect man. But compared to the last few men she has been with, he's a saint.  I grew up with him as my father figure. I miss him so much, but he can't change the mistakes that he has made in the past. And some of his mistakes I can't just seem to over look. I would love to make amends with him, but I'm sure he still isn't the man I have always been hoping and praying for him to be.

When I saw my mother with Rick, I told her right then and there. Don't you dare! She obviously didn't take me seriously. She stayed with him all that weekend. I heard some pretty horrid and embarrassing stuff from a "little birdy". I was not happy about it at all. I knew it was best not to talk to my mother face to face or over the phone because I would have blown up and told her how I really felt instead of sugar coating it like I did.  I decided to write a letter to my mom(this was a month ago) and still today she has not had one response to me. I poured my heart out. Telling her how I felt, how great of a person I know she is, how I know she can do so much better and how much better she truly deserves. Over a month later she has not one word to say to me. Which makes me a whole hell of a lot more angrier towards her for now other reasons.  I've been talked about behind my back with my family. I've taken a lot of crap with people claiming I'm being like one of my cousins, who I will not mention. I'm done. I'm not the bad guy here. Supposedly I'm keeping my children away from her, which is more than 100% false.

I wrote mom, maybe a 3 page letter, explaining my reasons and thoughts. Not once in this letter did I say that she could not see her grandchildren. I would never do that. I want my kids to have her in their life. But she isn't the grandmother or the mother I know and want her to be. I don't want my children to see her the way I do. I don't want them to grow up resenting her like I did. I don't want them to grow up living their life to be better than her or me. I have always lived my life to better myself, because I knew from when I was really little that I never wanted to grow up to be like my mother. She has never been anyone I was proud of to look up to. I commend her for being a single mom of 3. In that area I knew she did the best she could. But I also know she could have done a lot better as well.

It has been over a month since I have heard from my mom. Not once has she tried to call to see the kids or to make things right with me. To my understanding, she has been off work. She has had more than enough time to come and see her grand kids. Her not seeing her grandchildren is all on her. Has nothing to do with me. I'm not going to call her to ask her to come see her grand kids. She should want to see them whether were not getting along or not.

I got a call from my grandmother the other day stating that my mom and Rick broke up. So that's supposed to make everything better, NO!!! She didn't break up with Rick because she had learned her lesson or because she realized what kind of person he was or what type of men she goes for. She broke up with him because she could not deal with his ex. So, I seriously doubt it is over. She hasn't learned anything. She doesn't care. She has shown me how little she cares. It kills me but this is all the truth and I don't have to and won't deal with this anymore.

My grandmother goes on to tell me, well your mom says that if you would have called and invited her over she would have came to see the kids. NOPE, Surely not. I'm not going to do anything to convenience my mother. She made this mess. It's her responsibility to clean it up. I said my peace over a month ago. She's had her chance to say anything to me. She has had nothing to say and continued to see him despite how any of her family felt. Like I said, she has showed me how little she cares. That makes me angry on a whole other level and for a whole other reason. Why should I have to call her to make amends with her? Why should I have to call to see if she will come and see her grand kids? Why should I have to do anything for her? Guess what? I don't and I won't. She knew good and well how all of this was going to pan out and SHE DIDN'T CARE!!! So guess what??? I DON'T CARE!!!

Just because she supposedly broke up with Rick, it doesn't change the past and it doesn't make anything better. Until the day she realizes what she has been doing and how she has been acting I'm done. Until the day she comes to me and apologizes for ignoring me and acting as if her daughter and grand kids haven't existed for over a month, I have nothing to say to her. This is my mom's mess and I believe it is up to her to make things right. I poured my heart out to her and she had no response. Any normal parent would try to make things right and do right by their children and their family. I knew if it came down to it with my own children, I would move the world for them if I could. They are my world and no one on this earth could ever change that. No one on this earth could ever compare to how I feel for my kids. They are my life and I would do anything to keep them in my life, to keep them feeling safe, and to keep them happy.

My mom has shown me over the many years of different men that she doesn't care what kind of men she brings around her children. From my dad, to Bobby, Rick, Jeff, Jim, Kurt, and whoever else. She has never cared. Well I do. I didn't have a say so when I was younger, but I do now. I'm not going to expose my children to bad people. It still upsets me today that she had my kids calling Jim, grandpa. I knew that the marriage wasn't going to last. And still today, if Courtney sees a picture of Jim she says she wants to see papaw. I HATE that! My mother has to understand that these are my children and she has no say so on who she introduces to my children. I'm not going to allow her to bring man after man into my children's life like she did with us. I don't want just anyone for my kids. I want the best for them.

I hope she realizes soon. I hate not talking to her because she has always been one I can count on, but not no more. I'd rather not know her than to deal with this anymore. She can do so much better. She just chooses not to!